April 2011
8 posts
Morning Glory (and 28 Grams of Nutmeg)
After an on air freak-out by a speed addled anchor of a morning show, the producer realizes talent plied with, addicted to and withdrawing from various drugs and narcotics makes for great television, leading to overhaul their talent pool with a tweaker weatherman, a cooking segment with a heroin addict, a roving reporter continually on acid, reporting from inside his own mind, and two anchors who...
The Alabama Bus Transfer
An Alan Lomax style documentary where two etymology grad students travel the American South in search of the origins of various disgusting sex acts, like the Alabama bus transfer, or the muddy rooster, the glass bottom boat, the angry dragon, the jelly donut, the Houdini, a one-tusked walrus, the rusty Trombone, the Abe Lincoln, the Tony Danza, two girls one Stanley cup, the hot lunch,...
Imma Do Me
One woman’s courageous attempt to introduce acceptable female masturbation practices to the urban community.
Murray
Remake of Cujo, where a black family lock themselves in their car, under attack from a geriatric Walmart greeter convinced they’re there to steal stuff.
The Briefest of Hustles
A con woman manages to hustle his way into law firm posing as a former partner returned from an extended absence who no one remembers, and gets by asking interns, temps and prospective hires to do her work for her. Eventually she winds up “interviewing” a candidate that writes an entire paragraph about how the con is getting the attorney, as a potential hire, to write a brief for her,...
Green Is the Color of My True Love's Heart
The story of a young girl in Appalachia in the 1880s, having made the trip from the highlands of Scotland, waits at her cousin’s home for her fiancée, making the crosser later that year. After a weird summer of alternating droughts and floods, she receives word the ship has come in, with no one on board alive. The family prepares a memorial, though it is sparsely attended since no one knew...
A Sound of Thundarr
A runaway planet hurtles through the solar system, eventually causing the whole thing to collapse into the sun, generating a black hole, into which the planet earth is pulled. Inexplicably, the planet is crapped out the black hole two thousand years in the future, where savagery, super science and sorcery reign, so basically the plot to Thundarr the Barbarian, except this time, Ookla the Mok is...
Swing!
A shot for shot, line by line remake of “Swingers, but with gay dudes.
December 2010
1 post
Pause
In the spirit of “Frozen” and “Open Water”, a bottle story about an editing team trapped in their offices, trying to finish editing a bottle story film before the megalomaniacal director descends on their editing bay to kill them all. Perhaps with Gary Busey either as the director, or as the on edge audio engineer who immediately wants to resort to cannibalism.
March 2010
43 posts
And Your Bird Can Sing
True story of a English bus driver, who is embattled in an oddly amicable 12 year long divorce from his wife. After the divorce is finalized, he wins the lottery, and decides to split the winnings with his ex, to which his current girlfriend has no objection.
Fifty Second Dates
A sequel to “Fifty First Dates”, in which some minor character picks up where Adam Sandler’s character left off, going on dozens of first dates. Somewhere along the way, they contract an STI and are forced to go on a humorous quest to discover who they passed it along to, and who was the origin of the infection.
All Riot on the Western Front
Sort of a mix of William Gibson’s “Neuromancer” and Erich Maria Remarque’s classic World War I novel, in which cyborgs fight inter-dimensional trench warfare over the freedom of an interconnected network of information, fueled by futuristic drugs and the belief that their already short lives are effectively worthless. Complete with an industrial, post-punk soundtrack, set...
For Want of a Nail
A documentary about a 3D printer, misplaced in a hall in the offices of a defense contractor, or rather all the horrible events that unfold from that single mistake, and tracing back along the Markov chain to that singular event.
Dreams Deferred
Centuries into the future, a joint venture by the space programs of various countries culminates in the launch of a massive space shuttle sent to explore the outer reaches of the solar system, not expected to return for centuries. The ship is populated with 10000 people, all screened to approximate a random sampling of human genetics, 10000 being the calculated minimum number of people required...
Shandy, Tristam
A film adaptation of the autobiography of Tristam Shandy, more faithful to the source material than Winterbottom’s “A Cock and Bull Story”, except that it’s told backwards, like Momento, and Tristam Shandy turns out to be an inadvertent serial killer.
Stickiness
A short, terse film about a day in the life of an ice cream man, his troubles making change and keeping the fudgesicles from melting. Over the course of his rounds, we learn his real name, and that he is actually a fugitive, having moved across the country to escape a warrant that his ex-wife swore after a hit and run that left their only son dead. Shot entirely by daylight, with only the sound...
Dos Hipopótamos
Feel good coming of age story about an obese Mexican child named Juan and his pet hippopotamus, Emal, short for emalmagrar. Juan’s father is a furniture stainer, and the hippo accidentally got into the ochre one day, turning himself a dusty brown. It also provides opportunity to use the line, “Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Emal!” Perhaps a mean neighbor could...
A Duel of Epic Proportions
A whimsical muppet reimagining of the duel between Vice President Aaron Burr (Gonzo) and Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton ( Kermit the Frog) on July 11, 1804 at the Heights of Weehawken. Their seconds, William P Van Ness and Judge Nathaniel Pendleton would be played by Rizzo the Rat and Fozzie Bear respectively. It would start with the Election of 1800, in which Hamilton instructed...
Fur
A mysterious virus is slowly covering everything and everyone in thick fur. Initially, only men start to notice their five o’clock shadow has started coming in earlier and earlier. Hair returns to the heads of bald men, who briefly rejoice. Eventually, everyone notices they are in need of haircuts in just days after their last. Soon women, and children start growing beards. Then,...
The Secret Hobo Wars
Full length feature film about the attempts of the hobo nation to overthrow the federal government in 1932, based on the short clip on PBS narrated by John Hodgeman, entitled “Hobo Matters”. It would detail the battles between hobos and FDR, who used his “New Deal” as a complex battle plan against the hobos, including FDR’s decision to formulate and use a strain of...
Damned if you Doo-Doo
Retelling of the tale of “The Devil and Daniel Webster” with Daniel Webster recast as a gastroenterologist, and Jabez Stone as a glutton who makes a deal with the devil that he would eat nothing but the most delicious food for seven years, and then for another three, but after that, any time he went to the bathroom, he would excrete a bit of his own soul, until finally the devil would...
Jerrycan Follies
A comic look at the history of gasoline, starting as an oil refinery byproduct, and it’s many hilarious uses throughout time, prior to it’s use as fuel for automobiles. First the discovery, and then failure of gasoline as a treatment for lice and bedbugs (including a goofy look at accidentally setting yourself and your own mattress on fire.) Followed by it’s use as cleaning...
The Great Pudding Festival
A small town in the Midwest hopes to resurrect an old tradition of holding a pudding and gelatin festival, after a peculiar year results in the birth of eight-legged cows that mature within months, leaving a glut of hooves laying in the streets. It is up to a young mayor, and his mentor, the town historian, to throw together the biggest, fanciest pudding festival ever seen in order to save the...
That's the Boardwalk Way
Live action adaptation of the board game Monopoly, incorporating a remake of Untouchables and Wallstreet, about a gang, each member represented by one of the Monopoly game pieces, running financial scams out of Atlantic City, until they run up against a street gang transplanted from Chicago, with an inexplicable fixation on the 1920s.
Thanks Seth, for the assistance on this one.
Beyond the Valley of the Pussycat Doll
Remake of Russ Meyer’s classic based around a modern, post feminist all-girl band, sort of a new riff on the Josie and the Pussycats movie, where they managed to wrap an asinine plot around Russian nesting dolls of rabid consumerism and winking anti-consumerism, plus way too many funny people with mediocre jokes, and Alan Cumming and Parker Posey wasted like condoms inflated on Howie...
Bob Marley and Me
Stoner comedy/love story about a pot head couple who thinks their dog is possessed by the spirit of the former reggae pioneer. Over the course of 13 years, the dog forces the couple to come to terms with life, love, and why Spongebob isn’t really related to the sponges in the kitchen sink. The movie concludes with the dog dying after eating a pot brownie, and upon its death it is revealed...
The Secret Life of the Ficus
A 16 hour, found footage documentary comprised of brief snippets of establishing shots and home movies, about what plants do when there is no one around, no one watching and judging and watering, and occasionally singing quietly to them. Turns out, they’re pretty boring.
The 90 Bitches You'll Meet
Based on this list found on the ground in a DC charter school, a sort of “day in the life” film based on the trials and tribulations a woman must go through in order to find herself a good man, and avoid or surround herself with women she might consider “bitches” for good or evil, and keep them away from the aforementioned man, once she finds and acquires him.
Slumdog Bowlarama
Set in Mumbai, there is fierce competition between a team of naturally gifted, synchronized bowlers who like to get high and listen to whale songs, and a team of overly anal retentive, uptight, type-A synchronized bowlers, locked in battle. One team has been stealing the other’s moves, but the slacker team has been too busy to notice, as it becomes involved in a kidnapping and extortion...
Clicker, I Hardly Know Her!
The comedic story of a struggling screenwriter who takes a job as a census taker to make ends meet, and ends up writing a script about his experiences meeting people across America, sort of a Travels with Charlie, but with heavy statistics and more anecdotes. Unfortunately, as he’s shopping around this script, which he thinks is the best thing he’s ever written, his sleazy but...
Avatard
Just as offensive as it sounds. A sequel to Avatar, focusing on avatars for people with mental rather than physical disabilities.
Politics as Blusual
Straight to DVD childrens movie featuring Blue from Blue’s Clues to explain the intransigence over health care reform. Blue gets elected to the United States senate (as a Democrat, naturally) and with the help of her AA Joe, ends up stringing together the clues of why Republicans want to kill the health care bill so badly, and why Democrats can’t seem to pass the health care bill...
Facts and Fish Stories
An environmental morality tale, mixing The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes with the Fenian cycle in Irish mythology. Finneces High School’s academic quiz bowl team is the worst in the county, a county were for some reason, athletics are so lacking, the academic quiz bowl is a big deal. Their worst player is taken by his old Irish grandfather on a fishing trip, and discovers a stream running...
Abdominosaurus
A group of fitness instructors are zapped by cosmic rays coming out of a gym late one night and transformed into super-ripped dinosaur people, who stalk the night as cold blooded superhero vigilantes. In their free time, they search for a way to transform back into humans.
Eventually they discover an evil astronomer turned them into dinosaurs using cosmic rays he generated, as he was attempting...
The Revengeteer
An underpaid comic writer, loosely based on Alan Moore, played by an incredibly hairy Daniel Day Lewis finds a rocket pack stolen from Howard Hughes, and uses it to save friends from crashing airplanes at airshows, win back his girlfriend after he gets her fired from her acting job, and struggles with the ethics of taking revenge on dozens and dozens of screenwriters, producers and directors...
Tying the Knot
Suspense thriller based on the scene in Forget Paris where Billy Crystal is rushing a “sample” to the fertility clinic. A man is forced by his wife to get a vasectomy prior to the wedding, all about his hedging his bets, trying to bank reproductive material prior to the big snip in hopes that eventually his wife will change her mind and she’ll want to have kids.
Escape from Boca
The third installment to the Snake Plissken/Escape from movies. Following Kurt Russell’s escape from New York, and Escape from L.A., in which he destroys all technology in the world, Snake retires to the small chain of islands that used to be Florida. Through superior firepower, the world government is overthrown, and technology is reinstated by nerds in mech suits who rule with literal...
Tyler Perry Presents You Know You Want Eggrolls...
Tyler Perry writes, directs, produces, stars in, and caters this film about his character Madea. This time around, she orders Chinese takeout, and after ending up in an argument in the restaurant with another customer, Madea scares off the proprietors and is forced by court order to run the restaurant to pay back damages.
Hilarity ensues, but only for regular BET viewers.
Weekend at Finnegans
A teen sex romp shown in flashbacks, as friends gather at the wake of their friend, Finnegan. They gather together in Finnegan’s house to reminisce about their shared past, how they started out as idealistic young punks in the mid to late 1980s, and through the ups and downs of society and the economy in the 90s at at the turn of the millennium, they’ve become disillusioned, some made...
The Little Birdcage
A remake of The Birdcage (itself a remake of La Cage aux Follies) set in a South Beach elementary school, featuring a cast of grade schoolers, but with every reference to and mention of sex, gay or otherwise, sanitized from the film.
Superbird
Cartoon, warts-and-all biopic of the life of Lyndon Banes Johnson, 36th President of the United States, starting with his birth in Texas, and running through the second Nixon inauguration, ending with Johnson’s funeral two days later. Draws mainly from Robert Caro’s serialized biography and Johnson’s own The Vantage Point, with a little Doris Kearns Goodwin thrown in for good...
Let Me Be Frank
In his most challenging role, Adam Baldwin, from the television shows Firefly and Chuck, stars in a biopic about the life of the schlubby, liberal, gay, Jewish Democratic congressman from Massachusetts, Barney Frank.
A Hard Man
A Cohen Bros. style indie comedy about a well meaning but kind of idiotic concrete factory owner in East Berlin in 1961. He’s all set to make the deal of his life, and get rich in the process, but his wife and children all want him to refuse to help build the wall, all of whom have their own reasons for not dividing Berlin.
Arts Cars
Mos Def and Ryan Reynolds star as Jean-Michel Basquiat and Andy Warhol, who’ve moved out of downtown Manhattan to the Queens suburbs, and open an auto detailing shop together, and discover the world is ready for modern art cars, giving Pacers and Gremlins, and old Datsuns tricked out paint jobs, often featuring grotesque, childish figures that quietly comment on social ills, or overt...
Who's [VERB] of [PROPER NOUN] Woolf?
Mad-libs style remake of the classic “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”
If It's Yellow
The story of a man who gets trapped alone in a mall bathroom over the weekend, as told through voiceovers and security camera footage. A guy walks into a bathroom to piss, and the janitor, having previously cleared and cleaned the bathroom, locks the door, as that wing of the mall is about to undergo renovations. The man is trapped, and must undergo the terrible aloneness of his situation,...
Back in Veckatime
Indie rock update of “Back to the Future”, featuring Ed Droste from Grizzly Bear going back in time to ensure his parents get married, and accidentally inventing indie rock. Oh, except because he’s gay, he’s got to get back to his boyfriend in the present, and not have uncomfortable, severely repressed gay sex with his own father in the past, complete with locker room...
Dance Dance Revulsion
A modern dance troupe in a dystopian future is forced into a dance competition with a robotic spider on a checkered dance floor that both maps their steps, and penalizes them with electrical shocks, burns, punjai pits and bludgeonings for erroneous steps, for the amusement of the gambling public, meant to keep them docile and subservient to their machine overlords, which as it turns out, exist...
Bram Streicher's Duckula
A cross between Howard the Duck and Bram Stoker’s Dracula, but true to the British cartoon series Duckula, where Duckula does not thirst for blood, but rather is obsessed with becoming rich and famous. Except still a cartoon.
sex, lies and fruit by the foot
A sexually dysfunctional couple is jolted from their normal routine when they learn an old college friend comes to town. The lady in the couple, played by whomever is the modern equivalent of Andie McDowell, learns the college friend, probably played by whoever is the creepier version of Robert Patterson, is unable to achieve sexual climax without watching a woman eat fruit by the foot on a...