Pitch and Moan

The worst movie pitch I can think of, right now.

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In Golden Pond

The heart-rending story of two old sharks, one of whom is nursing the other through end-stage Alzheimer’s  wandering through Golden Pond trying to hold on to the last vestiges of their love for one another, while eating lake trash. Hat tip to John and his nightmares.

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Opposite Attraction

A French art house film about the tender yet frustrating (and gross story) of identical twins who fall madly in love with one another, but for obvious reasons must never act on their overwhelming sexual attraction.

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A failed medical examiner takes to delighting and then terrifying children creating horrifically anatomically correct pinatas for parties.

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On a group vacation to South America, all nine Justices of the Supreme Court take a hike to a hidden beach and are kidnapped by a militia which raises money for its cause offering rich men the privilege of flying down and killing the abductees.  Turns out this was all arranged by Antonin Scalia so that he could slowly torture the rest of the bench, even Clarence Thomas, as Scalia is sick of Thomas just copying everything he does.

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The Secret Garden

Turns out the secret garden is actually the hedge maze at the Overlook Hotel from The Shining, and Jack spends two hours chasing sickly English kids around trying to kill them.